What a waste.

Damn you, Jeff.

My friend Jeff posted his HS Graduation picture on Facebook today to commemorate the 30th anniversary of our graduation.  Tina even coined a Bushism – Gradiversary for the observance.
The whole thing has got me in a deep melancholy funk.  You see, one week from today would have been the 29th anniversary of my marriage.  A marriage that ended a year ago February.
It’s normal at times like this to reflect and take a measure of your life.  I’m not happy with my score.
I should have listened to my Mother.  This is the one and only time you’ll hear me say that.
I was too young.  I did my best to be a good husband and father.  I never lied to her, never hit her or cheated on her.  There was a stolen, drunken kiss one night 20 plus years ago that was confessed to and forgotten. Or so I thought…
I tried to be a worthy husband, I guess we can see how I scored there.
So now I find myself with a house I didnt want, in a town I didnt want to live in and debt I can’t get a handle on.  Here is where my military bratness back-fired on me.  “I can live anywhere”, I said, “as long as you’re happy with it.”  Hell, I was happy in Reston living in an apartment.  Granted, it was too small for our growing family, but Stafford?
Funny how the job I’ve been wanting to leave for the last 10 years or so turns out to be the only stable, reliable thing I’ve got.
Now what?  I can’t go anywhere because I can barely stay on top of my bills, let alone save money to move.  I’m not sure I can sell the house, but if I did then what?  It is maddening.
I feel betrayed and devalued.  If I thought I could get away with it, I’d burn the place to the ground and slip away under cover of night.
My true friends are scattered around the country, even the planet.
Everyone has their issues, and I’m sure no one wants to hear mine.
I truly don’t know what to do with myself.  How long can someone tread water?
I’m sorry, don’t mean to bring anyone else down…
(Picks up soapbox and exits stage left)
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2 thoughts on “What a waste.

  1. I have three words for this:NOT.A.WASTE.The paths we end up on help shape who we become. Some paths are more frustrating than others. Some paths are more boring than others. Some paths are more painful than others. But, those paths, and the decisions we make along the way, help shape us.No one wants to see a marriage end, especially after commiting so much time to each other. Notice I said "end" and not "fail." There is no "fail" here – just two people who have reached the end of one path, only to find that one person wants to take a different path… and do it alone.You gave a lot of love and care to your marriage and your family. You continue to give a lot of love and care to your family. That's one major thing to remember.You're absolutely correct about our military brat mentality. You can go anywhere and do anything you decide to do. Right now, the economy is telling us to be patient for a little while, until it straightens itself out. This just gives you time to make a list of places you'd like to hang your hat next, or map out a succession of places to hang your hat. In short, map out the next path in your life.You are extraordinary. Never forget that. If you've put your heart into something, no matter what the outcome, it was not and will never be a waste.

  2. Not a waste, as Su writes. Simply not a waste, no matter what it feels like, or makes you feel. The time I spent in Seattle last year convinces me that you are a good and caring person, and that is more than can be said about many people, so already you are ahead in the game. Think about what you have accomplished lately, think of the friends who love you, and acknowledge the work in progress.Hope to see you again soon.

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